Teacher Reality Show

The Bachelor, Toddlers and Tiaras, American Idol, Jersey Shore -- reality TV shows are all the rage. I've never been too into them, but last night I thought of one I wouldn't mind having on my DVR.

First of all, I'd gather up a few politicians, reporters, newscasters, and other public figures who believe that education funds should be cut and that teachers have too many benefits. I'd put them each in a room with 20-25 children who speak several different languages, come from a variety of cultures and backgrounds, and are at different levels developmentally.

They would have to:

-Keep all students safe -- safe from falling off the monkey bars, being bullied, eating markers, skinning knees, and getting their feelings hurt.

-Organize 25 desks and chairs, five computers, 50 tissue boxes, 200 text books, a TV, both a Spanish and English word wall, a classroom library, teacher manuals, math games, a hamster cage, a calendar center, workbooks, student supplies and jackets, and 75 bottles of Germ-X for an optimal learning environment.

-Provide emotional stability for the student whose father is abusing him, the one whose mom walked out on her, and the one who has everything except someone to tell her "no."

-Ensure that all 25 students eat at least two healthy meals a day, which means keeping a snack box on hand for the child who missed breakfast, monitoring lunchtime to tell students to eat their fruit before their dessert, and keeping track of all student lunch numbers so that they can order food.

-Observe all students carefully for developmental delays. When a handicap is recognized, convince the parents, arrange for testing for the child, fill out the appropriate mountain of paperwork, and provide the student with suitable resources.

-Teach students honesty, how to walk in a straight line, which containers can be recycled, diligence, what clothes to wear for each season, courtesy, how to organize their desks, appropriate methods for expressing anger, nutrition, how to eat with utensils, how to clean the floor, table manners, respect, patriotism, conflict resolution, and how to wash their hands.

-Maintain three-inch-and-growing folders on each child recording grades, behavior, testing scores, interactions with parents, free-lunch paperwork, permission slips, doctors notes, and school photos.

-Plan lessons, grade papers, design bulletin boards, display student work, maintain good relations with parents, and attend professional development seminars. And all within a 45-min planning period and a 20-min lunch.

-Know each student well enough to recommend the perfect book at a moment's notice, tailor a lesson to his or her needs, and know the best discipline strategy for that child.

-Challenge each student academically -- from the student who has known how to read from the age of two to the student who just moved to the U.S. and has illiterate parents.

-Get each child -- no matter the language, no matter the background, no matter whether that child was part of the group who came to the class not able to count or the one who is ready for algebra -- to score between a 75 and 100 on The Test.

The participants who merely fulfill these requirements will probably be kicked off the show for lack of dedication. The truly dedicated ones will be the the ones who tutor after school and on the weekends, who attend soccer games every Saturday, who lie awake brainstorming ways to help a particular child succeed.

For meeting all of these responsibilities, for coming into work an hour before and staying three hours later than they are contractually obligated, for the constant stress of knowing that these young people, their families, and this country, is counting on them doing their jobs well, the participants will be paid 45k plus benefits.

Then we'll try asking them if teachers are being paid too much or if class sizes should be increased.

Now that's one reality show I could really get into.